I have always wondered why are these HRs required in companies. But now I understand, they are there to entertain ppl. They are like the jokers in a circus, comedians in a movie, item song in a serious thriller movie, cheerleaders in IPL.
They make simple things complicated. They make jargons and highly complicated (very difficult to spell out and remember) words. They develop an accent which is so artificial and sick to hear. I remember an HR who used to spell associates as ash o siates. Everytime he used to start using this word I used to wonder whether he is going to say "aish warya". I wonder how he would have told his friends - "Dont kick my ass (ash). Pls. Dont kick my ash".
I know this post is not as punchy as my previous posts because it is not meant to be...
This is how they create values for their organisation. They take out their moral science text book of 6th std. Why only 6th std?? Because they flunked in 6th std in moral science. Ya so they take out their 6th std text book and play book cricket with that. They do this 5 times. They find the most incomprehensible word from each page and make it the values of their organisation. After 2 years of no work, they feel like doing something. Then they create 2 things - vision and mission statements.
They ask their sons and daughters to write an essay abt their school or cricket team in less than 60 words. They use the same thing as vision and mission statements.
Ever wondered how lady HRs have such silky hairs? Because they dont have to think = no scratching heads.
This is how a HRs day goes
10 AM: Come to office. Sign attendance. 10:02 AM : Go to loo. Apply so much perfume that you wonder whether it is a loo or marriage hall. 10:05 : Go to loo again. Apply lipstick (both guys and girls) 10:10 : Check mails. They get only spams. So check some exciting mails in spams. Check forwards and forward forwards using a stylish email signature. 10:30: Go for coffee. 10:45: Re apply lipstick 10:50: Go smoke outsike campus (guys). Ramp walk on the walk way (girls) 11:15: Re apply lipstick (guys). 11:30: Read filmfare (girls). Read cosmopolitan (guys). 1:00: Go for lunch 2:00:Go for a walk 2:30: Have some juice 3:00: Check spam mails 3:30: Search high fundu words from 6th std moral science text books 4:30: Go for another smoke or ramp walk. 05:00: Go to loo and apply lipstick. 5:05: Go home
Cost cutting here, cost cutting there, cost cutting everywhere.. Cost cutting has affected our lives (salaries) so much. I have decided to post some quality cost cutting methodologies for companies here
Loo cannot be used for free. For liquid collect Rs.1 and for solid collect Rs.2. In case of both collect Rs.1.50 saying it is an attractive offer!
Find the ppl who r on bench and make them collectors!
Charge foreigners in Euros! Why only Euros? - because the price doesnt fall!
Provide some value added services and make profit from it - Allow the 100th employee of everyday to do it for free. This can attract employees!
Provide some happy moments during festivals to keep employees happy - Create a new initiative called "festivate" where if u use the loo once during diwali, u can use it 2 more times for free during the next half an hour!
After a few years open it to public!
Tie up with other companies and give the employees of that company some discount (like 50 paise)
Think about some innovative ideas to increase customers like designer tissue papers - Probably some models photo in gents toilet and a foreign cricketer's photo in girls.. this will attract more customers
Provide a membership card for regular customers and give them some valuable gifts like gulab jamun mix every year.
If the recession continues kick out the collectors (benchers) and control money collection using some software.
If there is more recession provide a time limit after which an alarm rings!
Try to acquire such places all around the world and monopolise this field! Stop doing software work and focus on this area which is providing more profit!
Nowadays software professionals scratch their head so much that, I have started wondering whether this could be used to generate energy!
It is estimated that software professionals spend 10% of their time on scratching. This scratching of the head (which follows a horizontal random motion) could be used to generate mechanical energy! This can be used to power up the entire software company. Think about the power we r going to save.
There can be a new vertical in your company for "Power" which can have horizontals like male power, female power, others! You can have the HRs of your company doing more useful work like giving a presentation on - "How to scratch your head effectively to generate more power". This could be a very good value add to your company in times of recession!
Benchers can be asked to scratch their head all through the day (even nights if you plan to have shifts) instead of idling on the bench.
Your company can turn from a non profitable software company to a more profitable major power company!!!